3-5-96
I couldn’t
resist
Love,
M---
If someone were to ask me, “What was the worst year of your life?” I would immediately answer, “The year I got divorced.” If they asked “What was the best year of your life?” I would immediately answer, “The year I got divorced.” I was struggling with more feelings than any one person could handle. I was in love and loved Marianne. Yet that relationship seemed one sided and was drifting into illusion. I was falling in love with Barbara (perhaps, another illusion.) Yet both relationships seemed to be destined for disaster. I wanted to take elements from each and ‘mix and match’ them into one life. I sought an ideal. Marianne was physically present but emotionally distant. Barbara was emotionally present but physically distant. One here. The other there. Despite our troubles I found a romantic token and gave it to Marianne. I ended the attached note with this apology, “I couldn’t resist.” I wanted to be her lover and I wanted to feel like her lover, though I knew at the time it was inappropriate for me to hold on to romantic thoughts while we were moving apart.
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